...and that movie is Piranha 3.
Don't believe me? Read this amazing review from
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/entertainm.../film/913124/piranha-3d-review.html
"PIRANHA 3D is a disgusting piece of sleazy trash aimed at the type of banana-peeling, bum-picking morons who live a house with bars on the front and a tyre swing in the corner.
And basically, I loved every second of it.
Filmmakers have tried, over and over again, to recreate the joys of exploitation movies for the noughties crowd. And most of the time, they've failed. Because drumming up some retro, tongue-in-cheek laughs is one thing. But making your film as shocking to jaded modern viewers as the original slasher movies were to horror fans in the 1970s and 80s is quite another. Either you have gags, or you have scares. One cancels the other out. Normally. But in Piranha 3D, French-born horror director Alexandre Aja has struck that magic balance between both.
Cos for the most part, the film's a piece of laughable, sexist, boob-baring junk - and I mean that in the best way possible - yet the gory bits pack more punch than any amount of po-faced limb-chopping from the Saw series.
The basic story - as if it matters - centres on Sheriff Julie Forester (Elizabeth Shue), a working mum who leaves her teenage son Jake (Steven McQueen) to babysit her two younger kids, while she patrols the Spring Break parties on nearby Lake Victoria.
But Jake's distracted by porn king Derrick (Jerry O'Connell) and his two glamorous sidekicks, Danni (our own Kelly Brook) and Crystal (real-life 'erotic starlet' Riley Steele).
Kelly plays a simpering, can't-act, cantaloupe-jugged dimwit. You'll be amazed by how convincing she is.
After meeting Jake at the beach, Derrick convinces our young hero to help him find a quiet spot to shoot his new movie. Jake chooses a lake filled with prehistoric piranha, who've been freed by a recent earthquake. Of all the dumb luck! Derrick needs the lake for the centrepiece scene in Danni and Crystal's new X-rated vid. 'Underwater ballet,' is what the end credits generously call it. Although 'all-nude, sub-aquatic lez-out' might shift a few more DVDs, Del.
Strangely, the piranha don't interfere with this bit. But it's not long before they're causing havoc at both the porn shoot and the Spring Break celebrations, requiring Sheriff Julie and her team to spring to the rescue.
It's a jaw-dropping, sustained horror setpiece, crammed with plenty of horribly memorable deaths that I'm not going to give away here. But suffice it to say, you've not seen this many women in bikinis running around screaming since John Leslie last showed up at Typhoon Lagoon.
It's been AGES since a horror film's come up with as much creative carnage as this. In the end, it almost starts to get a bit wearing.
As do the 3D boobs, of which Piranha 3D shows you bloody hundreds. You know when someone keeps repeating the same word over and over again, it eventually loses all meaning? Piranha 3D does that, but with boobs. Boobs, a-bouncing to the left. Boobs, a-jiggling to the right. Boobs, rammed in your face.
Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs.
By the film's end, even the basic concept of boobs seems completely baffling.
They're like wibbling flesh jellies with little pointy hats on top. What do they do? Why do they exist? Who knows? Or cares?
On the down-side, Piranha 3D's been tweaked into 3D after filming, so the effect often looks horribly cheap. However, it's nowhere near as bothersome as it was in fellow conversion-jobs Clash Of The Titans and Alice In Wonderland, because 'horribly cheap' is what Piranha 3D is all about.
There will also be some who complain that you only get about three minutes of naked Kelly Brook.
To them, I say this. Who's ever needed more than three minutes of naked Kelly Brook?
Piranha 3D is not for everyone. But if you're thinking about seeing a film called Piranha 3D, chances are you'll be delighted with it.
Watch this sick filth now. "
There was a very NSFW 9-minute clip of the movie floating around that I can't seem to find now, and it looked like it absolutely delivered. Ridiculous carnage, intestines, boobs, and Ving Rhames attacking fish with shotguns and boat motors. The guy who made this, from what I've seen, seems to GET IT.
