Ok, you know how they say 90% of accidents happen in the home?

I'm getting dinner on Sunday (and I'm psyched about it). I pick up my plate, and (attempt to) walk from the kitchen to the living room. Y'know, the kind of thing toddlers can manage with a pretty high rate of success. Only I step on a freakin' envelope that someone left lying on the tile floor, my foot slips out from underneath me, and I hit the floor, HARD. With my right arm raised and to the side, and all my weight on it. I'm watching the ground come up in slow motion, thinking, "Oh, SHIT, this isn't gonna be good," and then there's this fucking gross tearing/crunching noise, and my arm is right the fuck out of the socket. And I'm covered in Caesar dressing from the salad.

This was probably the most excruciating thing I can remember, at least until I went into shock, worse than the time my ex sat THROUGH my knee and hyperextended it to where my kneecap was off. I must've sat there for a good five minutes swearing and yelling at everyone not to touch me before my arm goes "SCHLURP" back into the socket, which was almost as bad as when it came out (albeit somewhat of a relief). On top of that, my fucking steak and sweet potato are all over the floor, so my girlfriend puts them in the garbage disposal, which bums me out (I have this thing about wasting food). Seriously, the grossest thing ever; I keep reliving it in my head, too, which is a real good time.


On the plus side, my girl's father layed a bottle of muscle relaxers on me, so that's fun.

at least you slipped on an envelope and not a banana peal.

FuckIsMySignature said:

Y'know? At least that would've had some comedic value to it; getting taken the fuck out by an envelope is just humiliating.

Was your ex a......large women? Roomy?

SkinSandwich said: Err, mainly in the front. See, the thing is, we were horsing around (watching wrestling), I was lying on the couch with my foot up on the arm, and she sat right on my knee. CRUNCH.

that fucking sucks. i've heard that dislocating a shoulder is in the top 10 most painful things that could happen to a person. if it makes you feel any better, the first time i dislocated my knee, i was trying to pick up a frisbee.

DestroyYouAlot said:

ouch, that sucks.

When I was living at my parents house they had this bathroom mirror that somehow had one of the corners chipped so it left this one really jagged point to it. Unfortunately for me that sharp point was directly above the toothbrush holder on the wall. Somehow or another my toothbrush was always getting jammed into the hole and getting stuck (typical living with your parents, and having your things messed with constantly). The toothbrush was too big for the hole, and I'd have to yank it out. One morning I was running late for work and I just got pissed and yanked it out as hard as I could. BAM, my hand goes straight up into this huge jagged mirror point. Blood comes pouring out of it and I feel like the biggest asshole ever because I can't even brush my teeth without hurting myself.

I get to work, and one of the guys there sees me going for the first aid kit. This guy had seen me come in with limps, and black eyes from shows plenty of times so he turns to me and laughs and asks what the hell happened this time. I sighed at told him "brushing my teeth, don't ask."

when i was in 8th grade i was in my backyard, and my right foot got stuck between two boards in a pallet holding a cord of wood. a large friend of mine came around the corner of the shed that was next to me, tripped, and landed on me on my left side. i fell onto my right side, but my right foot stayed straight. everything ripped and broke, it was awful.

Yeti said:

That's as far as I got before I felt sick. I'm suddenly a lot more sensitive to this crap than I was, oh, Sunday morning.

there is this new section on Charter On Demand called "ouch" or something close to that, and they show various injuries from sports and such. i watched a couple the other day, man some of them are devastating. one kid did a move on a skateboard and landed on his balls on a pole, it tore his sack open and his balls fell out, and he then drove himself to the ER. another one some kid was trying to jump down stairs on a skateboard, missed, hit his ankle and shattered his leg bone, causing it to tear through his skin. that one was intense.